Creating a Parenting Plan

Creating a Parenting Plan

What is a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan outlines the major tasks of caring for your children – decision making and parenting time. It should also contemplate modifications as the children grow, as their (and your) needs change.   In mediation and collaborative practice, you can tailor the plan to meet the unique needs and circumstances of your family.  

Working together can be particularly important when one or more of the children have special needs, when there are special circumstances like mental or physical illness, or when the parents live far apart.  Parenting plans can also be tailored to match the communication level of the parents – they can be more specific or more general, depending on the parents’ needs.

1.     Decision-Making.  Who will make the major decisions about the shape of the children’s lives around their medical, educational and religious needs?  While most people who mediate or do collaborative law share joint decision making, there are times when one person might have the last word.  It is important that both parents have access to the children’s educational and medical information and providers, so they are able to make informed decisions and take the children’s needs and wishes into consideration. 

2.     The other main area addressed in the plan is parenting time – that is, the children’s schedule with each parent.  Many parents share more or less equal parenting time, but that really depends on the other demands on the parents.  For instance, if one parent has a job that makes it impossible to be home until after the children go to bed on school nights, or has to travel often for work, another type of schedule might be more beneficial.  

Making Your Parenting Plan

A good parenting plan is thorough and specific enough so that everyone -- you, the other parent and the children -- knows what to expect.  For example, it is a good idea that you decide who the children will be with for particular holidays so things will go smoothly when the holiday arrives. 

Some families want to include specifics, e.g. who will pick the children up?  Who will drop them off?  What happens if one parents is late? Who is responsible for making sure the children have their homework with them? Some families don’t need such level of detail.  In any case, remember that you will not be able to predict every possible circumstance – just do your best.

Regular Schedule

While your options are essentially endless, I have included a few examples for the regular schedule that clients have used successfully that you may want to consider.

Example Schedules for Equal Time with Each Parent 

While parents may agree to share parenting time equally, there are a myriad of ways to structure the schedule to meet your and your children’s needs. The common wisdom is that younger children need shorter, but more frequent time with each parent (switching, for instance, every 2-3 days), while it may be easier for older children to change less often, perhaps spending a week with each parent. Test it out and see how it works. For some families, it works better for the children to see each parent more often, for others, it is more important to minimize contact between the parents or to minimize transitions.

Parents who share time equally must live close enough to each other that both can get the child back and forth to school. Here are a few examples of parenting schedules that you might consider:

• Monday and Tuesday with one parent, Wednesday and Thursday with the other, alternating weekends.

• Sunday to Tuesday night with one parent, Wednesday to Friday night with the other, alternating Saturdays. 

• One week with each parent, changing on Sunday evening. May include dinner with other parent one evening during the week.

• Alternating every 2 nights. (for this one, you have to block it out in advance because you won’t have the children on the same night each week.)

Example Schedules for More Time with One Parent 

• All weeknights with one parent – switch every other weekend (including Friday). May include dinner with B parent one night early in the week.

• Most weeknights with one parent – switch every other weekend.

Of course, you will come up with a plan that meets the specific needs of your family. 

Holidays

Your Parenting Plan should include a program of how the children will spend their holidays.  The holiday schedule will supersede the regular schedule.

First, figure out which holidays are important to each of you, and which can just follow the regular schedule. Narrow down the scope of decision-making.

Second, think about your own work schedules and think about whether you and the other parent are both available on school holidays. Some holidays always fall on a Monday – these include Martin Luther King’s Birthday, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day. If one parent has the children for the weekend and usually returns the kids on Sunday, you might want to extend these weekends to Monday at the same time.  On the other hand, if one parent always gets these holidays off and the other parent never does, you would take that into consideration.

Third, tackle the important holidays. If a particular holiday is really important to one parent and not to the other, the children may spend that holiday with that parent each year, and another with the other parent. When a holiday is important to both families, parents sometimes alternate, so the children spend Christmas with parent A in even years and with parent B in odd years. Or, if parents spend holidays close to each other, they may split the holiday itself, so the children spend the morning with one parent and the evening with the other. And in some families, it may work for the parents to spend time with the children together, or to split the children up so the parents spend time alone with each child. Again, think about what this experience is like for your children, and make sure there is time for them to participate in extended family celebrations. 

School Vacations

The children are likely to have numerous vacations, like Spring Break, when the parents both have to work.  This can be a chance for each parent to take a nice vacation with the children.  Or it can be a time when the children are enrolled in a vacation camp and stay in town.  It is a good idea to figure out which parent will take responsibility for the children during these times.

Snow Days, Sick Days

There will inevitably some days that are just not planned for, such as snow days and sick days.  Figuring out where they will be on such days is part of the parenting plan process. 

Other Considerations 

You also have to consider the emotional aspects of each plan that might be invisible to others – how well your children can adapt to transitions, how well siblings get along with each other and other family members, and how well you communicate with your ex.  Here are a few things that you might consider when creating a plan:

1. Different plans for kids of different ages.

Your child’s development stage will play a huge role in determining an appropriate parenting plan. How much attention do they need and how much transition can they handle?

Babies and young children need more attention and structure. The common wisdom is that infants need frequent physical contact with each caretaker, as well as a predictable schedule. Toddlers still need frequent contact, but have more awareness of others, so sibling relationships may also be important to them. A plan for a family with infants or toddlers may involve 3 or 4 changes per week.

Elementary school aged children can spend a few more days with each parent and can use the other types of contact (like telephone or Skype) to stay connected in between.  A plan for teens may involve the children spending a week with each parent. 

2. Nesting.

This is an option where the children stay in one home all of the time and the parents move back and forth. One advantage of this is that the children have the stability of one home, one room, etc. However, it does require a lot of commitment and good communication on the parent’s part. It can also be expensive – particularly if each parent has their own apartment. It may be a good way to help everyone make the transition to different households.

3. Staying close. 

Some parents are able to continue to live near each other, so that the children don’t have to travel far when they go between the parents’ homes. (See, for example, Divorced Parents, Living Close for the Children’s Sake by Ronnie Koenig, New York Times, Jan 15, 2016), which featured a former client.  While living near your ex is not for everyone, it can have its advantages. For instance:

·      When the children forget something at the other parent’s home, it is not big deal to go get it.

·      Parents don’t have to worry about pick up and drop offs. The children can go from one home to another with ease.

·      Parents can easily help each other when needed.

·      Parents can see the children for a moment even on their “off” night.

·      Parents can keep the continuity of neighborhood relationships they’ve built, and of favorite laundry, restaurants, parks, etc.

·      The children stay in the same school district and can maintain friendships with nearby friends. 

It’s important to note that the families featured in the New York Times article set boundaries during the divorce process, and continue to honor those limits. I think this is one of the keys to success. Living close to each other works best when parents form a new working partnership, are cordial and respectful to each other, and can stay focused on the needs of the children.

4. First right of refusal.

Some parents want to include a provision so that, if either parent has a work commitment that means they can’t be with the child, the other parent has the first opportunity to care for the child during that time. (You have to be careful to also build it in that the child doesn’t know if the accommodating parent cannot take up the opportunity.)

5. Individual time with each child

Make time for parents to spend special time with each child. I worked with a couple who had two children – the mother took one child on Wednesday evenings, while the father took the other child. Then they swapped the following week. This ensured that they each could check in with the kids individually, while the children were together the other six nights of the week. 

6. Split custody.

This is where one child lives primarily with one parent and another child lives primarily with the other parent. There might be special circumstances in which this is the best option, particularly if the children see each other regularly – in school, for instance.

7. Child Inclusive Parenting Plan 

Children understandably want a say in how they will be spending their time. Including them in the process may be empowering for them.  However, it is important that they know that they do not have to choose between their parents, and that you will both continue to have a relationship with them. Make sure you do not punish them for expressing their views.  Be open to hearing how the divorce is affecting them.

8. Modifications

How and when will you make changes to the plan in the future?  Will you sit down together to review it periodically?  What if one parent wants to make changes and the other doesn’t? Will you engage a parenting coordinator?  Come back to mediation?  

9. Communication between Parents

How will you communicate with each other?  By text? By phone?  Do you need advanced notice for things like the summer schedule?  Vacations?  How will you make decisions together in the future?

The parenting plan discussion is a wonderful time to design a schedule that will work for the specific needs and strengths of your particular family.